In Defense Of Donald Trump #3: White Nights

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Yesterday, we talked about Trump’s loneliness and lack of friends.  It seemed a good segueway to the only friend he has on the world stage – everyone’s favorite murderous dictator, Vladimir Putin.

(I mean, if you have to, gun-to-your-head, pick a favorite murderous dictator. And if you’re a journalist in Russia, odds are you’ve had a gun to your head. Anyway.)

Imagine you’re Donald Trump – who, as I’ve explained earlier, has no friends:

So. You’re alone in your golden bedroom in your golden penthouse, late at night. You can’t sleep. You wonder…

Where’s Melania? Oh, I guess she’s taking care of the kid – what’s his name, Barlow? Bart? Bueller? Whatever. What to do, what to do? Have a quick fap to some statuary? Naah, not in the mood. Stomp on the floor to annoy the lady downstairs? Naaah, she’ll just tell on me to the mob guys again. Ah ha – Twitter!  That’s the ticket…

…and you pull out your phone and see politicians all over the world insulting you.

Yes, it seems that the world stage is not so keen on Donald. Prominent international pols have called Donald “an idiot,” “a vulture,” “a wazzock,” “barking mad,” “the shame of our civilization,” and my personal favorite, “The orange prince of American self-publicity.”

(That last one was from a British MP because of course it was.)

I mean, there are multiple articles that run down all the mean things that world leaders have said about you. There are just so many mean things.  There’s only so many “LOSER!” response tweets you can make in a day, you can’t possibly get to them all…

…and then along comes Vlad.

And Vlad is just nice.  He calls you “colorful” and “talented” and “brilliant.” After the drubbing you just got from the rest of the world, is it any wonder you conflate that to “GENIUS!” and start returning the favor?

Okay okay you hear he maaaybe had a couple dozen journalists killed.  He maaaybe rigged an election. Or two.  He’s maaaaybe a war criminal. But you’re willing to overlook things the media is saying about him, right? Look at the horrible, no-good things they’re saying about you.

For Donald it’s like this: you’re a kid on the playground getting bullied. Do you take it? No. Do you fight back? If you can. If you can’t, do you hitch your wagon to an even bigger bully?

YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS YOU DO.

NEXT: He Kicked The Rock.

In Defense Of Donald Trump #2: Be Nice, He Has No Friends

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Remember the time Donald had a pizza date with Sarah Palin? No really, this is a thing that happened.

That Daily Show piece has stuck with me – not just because of Stewart’s hilarious pizza-induced rage.  I got stuck on what caused it;  Donald Trump – born and raised in Queens – eating pizza with a fork.

Donald even tried to explain why he was eating pizza with a fork, and he thought the problem was that the fork was plastic.

If you haven’t lived in NYC, you may not know how weird this is. You don’t live in this city your entire life and never learn how to eat a slice of pizza. Now I can understand if he never ate pizza at home – Donald’s dad, Fred, raised his kids to be better than other people, so maybe he had a ban on Peasant Food or something. But he didn’t go to any pizza parties as a kid? No other parent took a ten year-old Donald and his friends out to the local pizzeria? He never won a little league game?

Then there’s Donald as an adult: he never attended any kind of impromptu event where someone bought a bunch of pies? Not a single painting party? Never helped anyone move? Okay, okay, Donald coulda just paid for some movers, but if you’re just gonna do that, then you might as well buy some pies when the job’s done.

(Infodump: That’s an NYC rule – If You Help Someone Move, There Will Be Pizza.)

I mean, I understand why he wouldn’t buy pizzas for his coke-fueled orgies, at least. Pizza doesn’t strike me as a good orgy food. Having a belly full of cheese doesn’t really put one “in the mood.”

But still.

The only conclusion I can come up with is that Donald has never had any friends.

This is a man who’s lived on this earth for almost seventy years and has never had a single friend. Sure, he’s had wives, children, loyal employees, underage models, but never any friends.

If you think about it like that, his campaign starts to make sense.  Of course he’s playing to the crowd. Of course he’s repeating racist rhetoric that makes his fans go nuts. This is a man who’s gone from zero friends to an arena full of them.  Put yourself in his shoes. If you lived your life with no friends and were suddenly given thousands of friends at a time, wouldn’t you say anything to hold on to them?

Be honest now.

NEXT: Well, that kinda puts his feelings on Vladimir Putin in perspective, doesn’t it?

In Defense of Donald Trump #1

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Okay. Let’s all admit that we’ve all gotten a bit… well, nasty this political season.

I’m guilty of it. I mean, you can wander over to my Facebook feed and see that I might have called Donald Trump “an orange alien with the brain of a chimp” (I’m paraphrasing). But with this new blog, I’m trying to do better. In this last week leading up to the election, I’m gonna try to inject some positivity into the internet by defending the man I’ve hitherto attacked.

And what better place to start than…

MOCKING A DISABLED REPORTER

Boy, you can really get lost in the weeds on this one.  I found a lot of videos of those fifteen seconds where Donald goes “I don’t KNOW, I don’t REMEMBER!” and flops his arms around.

(Infodump: He was imitating Serge Kovaleski, a journalist with arthrogryposis, who had the nerve to not immediately recall an article he wrote fifteen years ago.)

Thing is – if you care to look, you can also find a lot of videos refuting the mainstream media narrative with clips of Donald fluttering his hands around while mocking abled people, too. Here’s just one example:

So was Donald mocking Kovaelski’s disability, his memory, or both? Honestly – an argument can be made either way. Your conclusion probably has more to do with your perceptions from before you saw the video – like if you are disabled and someone’s mocked in you in precisely that way.

But hey, we’re trying to defend Donald Trump.  So – let’s just say that his arm-fluttering is less than conclusive and his contempt is usually reserved for the media in general (and Muslims and Mexicans and women and Obama), not disabled people.

But let’s not stop there. We should look into Donald’s motivations – why he mocked Kovaleski in the first place.

Okay. Remember when Donald claimed that thousands of Arab Muslims were celebrating in New Jersey on 9/11? He even said he saw it on national TV. Soon afterwards, Donald showed up on This Week, where George Stephanopolous reached up (way, way up) and gave that claim a factual smackdown.

(Infodump: George Stephanopolous is short.)

That celebration never happened. There’s no TV footage of it. There was footage of a small group of Palestinians celebrating in East Jerusalem during 9/11, and at the time, a lot of people mistook that footage as taking place in New Jersey.

(Those Palestinians. So testy. It’s like US munitions keep blowing up their homes or something.)

Anyway. It’s gotta hurt when someone who’s eight inches shorter than you says you’re fulla shit.  Is it any wonder that Trump went looking for reporting that said New Jersey Muslims were celebrating on 9/11?  Sure, all he could find was a 15 year-old story that some Muslims in New Jersey were arrested for allegedly celebrating the attacks, but you take what you can get. At that point, you confront the reporter and he says, “[wtf Donald do you know how many articles I’ve written since then you expect me to know the details of a 15 year-old one] I don’t know, I don’t remember.”

BOOM, you have your “ah-ha!” moment and that’s the sort of thing you really want to share with your friends.

Or a few hundred supporters, if you don’t have friends.

So give the man a break. He’s only doing what you would do if a Greek midget called you on your shit.

And if you had no friends.

NEXT:  Come On, He Has No Friends