The Showbiz Glossary

“A” Story:  (See “B” Story, “C” Story) The main storyline of a sitcom; the story in which you placate the star’s ego.

Actress:  A strange, mercurial creature, often found in abundance in urban areas.  The actress can be recognized by her colorful plumage, friendly disposition, and multiple personalities.

Actor:  Stout, burly creatures, normally intended for heavy lifting.

Artist: See Retard.

Audition:  The actor’s version of a job interview; except in this interview, your potential employer makes you sing a little song, do a little dance, pretend you’re a wallaby and profess your undying love to a pencil.  After you’ve finished, your potential employer tells you that your job performance will be evaluated by a group of total strangers who will pay money to see you five nights a week, and twice on Wednesday.  You’ll barely be paid enough to feed yourself, much less pay your rent, and would you mind getting naked?

“B” Story:  The secondary storyline of a sitcom; the storyline in which you placate a supporting actor’s ego.

“C” Story:  Resulting from one writer coming up with one good joke that gets stretched out into three or four scenes.   

Clam:  Any word uttered on any sitcom starring Brooke Shields, Geena Davis, Lea Thompson or an Olsen Twin. 

Craft Services:  Where pot-smoking actors go to die.

Director:  The person in charge of the day-to-day operations in a film or stage production.  The director forms an overall picture of the piece and uses lights, sounds, scenery and sometimes actors, to bring this picture to life.  In the case of low-budget theatre, the director is either a megalomaniacal stage manager who has built up a tolerance to the power rush gained from barking light cues over an intercom, or an actor asked by their peers to "try out directing.” 

Dirty, The:  The funniest jokes in a sitcom episode; usually cut by a network censor.

 

Driving The Bus:  Leading a room of comedy writers.  Pointing out the dramatic structure and plot requirements of each scene while the other writers whip out one-liners and character imitations while comparing prescriptions.

Entertainment Industry, The: Kind of like summer camp, except that Sasquatch has eaten all the counselors and is offering you bags of money to spend the night in your bunk.

Extras: See Cattle.

Foosball:  Time-honored time-wasting activity used in TV writing offices everywhere.

 

Freelancer:  One-time paid Retard.

Funny, Cold:  Jokes which displease the producer.

Funny, Hot:  Jokes which have not been used in at least three television seasons.

Funny, Tepid:  Jokes which are funny at 3AM and no other time.

Girlfriend:  Strange, mercurial creatures which will sleep with you for your Rolodex and / or PDA.

Golden Globe Awards:  The ugly, inbred cousin of the Oscars.

Head Shot:  Self-descriptive; a picture of the actor's head, usually their face.  On the back of the head shot is usually listed the actor's weight (minus ten pounds), their age (minus five years), their height (modified according to gender), and ten or twelve shows (four or five of which the actor has actually been in).  Sometimes, "special skills" are listed; the “special skills” which the actor typically uses to gain roles are not listed, at least not in polite company.

Intern:  Often a film set will hire someone who has the special ability to break the unbreakable, immolate the inflammable and frustrate the eternally pristine. Soon enough, this person is told to "go help the craft service people." The craft service people tell the Intern to watch the food as they go off to get stoned. Having pissed off half the people on the set, the Intern becomes determined to at least complete this one task to the best of his abilities, and will often be found guarding baby carrots with a fanatical intensity.  

Joke Doctor:  The member of a comedy writing team who cannot spell. 

Job-In:  See Freelancer.

Job-Out:  The onerous task of learning that an unpaid, unpublished Job-In can also make with the hot funny.  

Leatherman:  An all-purpose tool, sort of a glorified Swiss Army Knife, owned by all technicians in the entertainment industry.  While a Leatherman contains pliers, screwdrivers, knives and a miniature saw, most Leathermen are primarily used to open bottles of beer.  However, one’s experience and status as a technician can be gauged by how quickly one can whip out the pliers.  

Los Angeles:  Land of savagery and barbarism.  Approach with caution.

Masochism:  The act of writing a Pilot or Spec Script.

Musical Theatre People:  Mental patients with pretty voices.

P.A. (abbrev. “Production Assistant”):  The P.A. is, in theory, largely responsible for troubleshooting anything that goes wrong on a movie or television set.  In reality, he’s the guy who goes around wearing a headset and opening people’s beers with his Leatherman.

Pilot:  A new serial television script. Thousands of Pilots are written every year. Of those thousands, roughly fifty are purchased by a network, half of which are actually filmed. A few more are eliminated due to network politics, reulting in about twenty pilots that make it on air. Ten of these suck, no one watches them, and they're canceled. Of the ten that make it, five suck but people watch them anyway. Four of the remaining five that don't suck are usually eliminated for not building an audience fast enough.

See Masochism.

Pitch:  Wherein writers attempt to get their story ideas produced.  These ideas have brilliant subplots, strange and compelling characters and sweeping themes involving art, society, love and death.

When pitching, these ideas are reduced to "Titanic meets Matrix."

Pitch Package:  Ten to twenty pages of text explaining what the Pilot is about. Usually, these include a page about the setting, a page about the general theme, a few pages of character sketches, and a few pages explaining future episodes. It's recommended to use short, punchy phrases in a a pitch package; otherwise, a producer's lips will get tired.

Playwright:  The one who wrote the play.  In the case of low budget theatre, the playwright is either an actor who's been asked to "try out writing," or a bad poet who's realized that bad poetry won't get you laid unless you know how to play guitar.

Pothead:  Fifty percent of all comedy writers.

 

Plot Guy:  The member of a comedy writing team who excels at ripping off Shakespeare plots.  

Producer, Television:  The creator, and usually, several writers who have not been on drugs for most of the previous two seasons. 

Producer, Theatre:  The person who puts up the money for a show, and thus, has total and complete control over every last aspect of the production.  Sometimes, a producer is a consortium of various artists who have pooled their resources in order to bring art to the people.  More often, the producer is a being of pure evil. 

Red Carpet:  The celebrity equivalent of a dog show – except that the teeth and genital inspection take place at the post-award party.

Retard:  See Artist.  

Schadenfreude:  The lovely, haunting feeling one gets when running into a old college classmate working at craft services.

Sellout:  Among artists, this is a term for someone who earns money from a source other than food service, answering phones or typing.  

Side:  An excerpt of a script given to auditioning actors.  In theory, the side is supposed to have an important bit of dialogue, giving the actor insight into the character, and showing the director if the actor has the "chops" to convey the character's emotional through-line.  More often, in the case of actresses, the side is the scene with the kissing and the sex talk.  

Sitcom (abbrev. "Situation Comedy"):  Where movie actors with bad agents go to die.  

Spec:  Created without intention of remuneration or production.  See Masochism.

Therapy:  Where comedy writers get their drugs.