The More You Know, The More You Lose Your Goddamn Mind (Part 1)

donald-trump-taped-tie

So this picture has been making the rounds.  Donald Trump gets off a plane, there’s a stiff breeze, his tie flips upwards, and we see that he’s got scotch tape on it.

On first glance, it just seems like an improvised patch on a wardrobe malfunction – that is, until you look closer and see that he’s taped the short end of his tie because he tied it wrong.

And this is a regular thing with him.

Now, this is a guy who went to private schools with dress codes, who went right into a business career thanks to a “small loan of a million dollars.”  This is a guy who’s been wearing ties most days for his entire life.  And he still doesn’t know how to tie one.

Okay okay maybe he has people (read: wives) for that… and with that realization, a little movie plays in my head of Melania in the morning, pulling a half-buttoned shirt over his head while a pants-less Donald struggles and whines, “but I DON’T WANNA president today!”*

I know – that’s all speculation (except for the bit where Melania Trump lathers up her son every night, hey read the footnotes).  But what’s worse?  A “populist” president-elect who’s had people dressing him his entire life, or a president-elect who’s lived on this planet for seven decades, went to all the best schools, had all the opportunities anyone would ever want, and still doesn’t how to dress himself?

I dunno, maybe I’m splitting hairs.  I mean in the sense that they’re both equally horrible.

Anyway, there’s one other piece of Trump news I wanna cover.  (No, it’s not his SNL tantrum, but the thought of a president who’s that oblivious to irony is troubling.)  (And no, it’s not the diplomatic phone calls where he ass-kissed dictators and started a Twitter war with China.  I already wrote some speculation on that.**) Buzzfeed recently analyzed our celebutard-elect’s newslink tweets and found that, unsurprisingly… he’s consuming and regurgitating bullshit.

Oh but wait there’s more!

“What we know of Trump’s relationship to the modern internet suggests the president-elect rarely browses it himself. Trump campaign press secretary Hope Hicks told GQ he relies largely on Google News printouts from staffers and sparingly reads his own email. And a 2007 deposition suggests that Trump doesn’t use a computer or carry a smartphone during the daytime hours, and often dictates daytime tweets to his assistants.”

So not only is the celebutard-elect living in a disinformation bubble of his own making… he couldn’t even fact-check a story if he wanted to.

Here, let me show you the face you’re making right now:

first-world-2

Anyway.

I remember this conversation I had with my friend Christopher back in the summer of ‘04.  The GOP had just held their convention in NYC, capitalizing on 9/11 while at the same time showing its contempt for the victims.***  But both of us agreed – the despicable rhetoric was probably successful.  Unless the Democrats had a fairy godmother who was going to turn John Kerry into a real boy, Dubya was probably gonna win it (for real this time).

Looking down the barrel of four more years of This Bullshit, we fell silent.  Then Christopher said:

“I think we need to get our asses kicked.”

He wasn’t suggesting we start a fight club, he was talking about AmericaNamely, that maybe humanity would be better off if America was taken down a few pegs.  I mean, we didn’t know if it would take the form of an intervention, where the nations of the world would sit America down and take turns telling it how its addiction to fossil fuels and the military-industrial complex has hurt them personally… or if it would take the form of an economic / ecological collapse that would require the rest of the world to step in because America was hobbled.  (We were hoping for something like the former.)  And then the rest of world would get to the business of actually addressing climate change, economic and social inequity and institutional ignorance.

We didn’t talk much about a third scenario – where we’d just kick our own ass.

I’m gonna assume if you’re reading this, you’re not offended when I say Trump’s had many instances of Islamophobia, xenophobia, misogyny, and racism.****  But let’s just put that aside for a second.  After the racism, who are we left with?  Apparently, we’re left with a self-absorbed ninny who believes everything he reads on the internet and doesn’t know how to dress himself.

Matt Taibbi once wrote (I’m paraphrasing), if not for George W. Bush’s accident of birth, the highest position he’d ever hold is manager of a strip club.  If not for Donald Trump’s accident of birth? He’d be cleaning toilets at that strip club.  And he’d probably get fired for incompetence.

I’m having a hard time imagining an America that will hold its status in the world when we’ve put such a complete and utter nincompoop in charge.  Our only hope may be that the Republicans recognize that – and just go through Mike Pence for any real decisions.

Yeah, I know.  He’s no prize.  But being that he’s likely gonna to be the go-to guy of the Executive branch, maybe we ought to do our homework on him.

That’s next.

 

 

*Is it any wonder Melania’s staying in New York?  Well that, and she wants the familiar surroundings of home for Barron while she spreads her lotion all over him.  (No seriously.  That’s a real thing I’m talking about.) Anyway, it was soon after the “Trump getting dressed” movie played in my brain when I landed on my Freaky Friday theory.  I mean, look at that kid’s face!  That is the exact expression of a seventy-year old man who knows he’s going to hell and suddenly got a reset button on his life, but also realized he had to go through puberty again, with the icing on the cake being that his wife – now his mother – KEEPS SPREADING HER SELF-NAMED LOTION ALL OVER HIM.

Fuck you, I’m NOT reading into it.  THAT’S THE FACE YOU WOULD MAKE.

 

**

 

*** You know, New Yorkers.  Those multi-cultural, secular humanist gay liberals the Republicans love to demonize.  And I mean, that’s not even getting into the bit where they’ve routinely withheld healthcare to the first responders and construction workers who got sick inhaling the Twin Towers.  And here’s the face you make thinking about that:

officerage

 

****And if you ARE offended, well… let me put it this way: when Trump holds those rallies, he’s not bringing out America’s best.  He’s not bringing out you.  He’s bringing out people with lots of problems.  And they’re bringing those problems with them.  He’s bringing out Klansmen, he’s bringing out Nazis.  They’re racists.  And some, I assume, are good people.  Okay?  We good, snowflake?