The More You Know, The More You Lose Your Goddamn Mind (Part 1)

So this picture has been making the rounds.  Donald Trump gets off a plane, there’s a stiff breeze, his tie flips upwards, and we see that he’s got scotch tape on it.

On first glance, it just seems like an improvised patch on a wardrobe malfunction – that is, until you look closer and see that he’s taped the short end of his tie because he tied it wrong.

And this is a regular thing with him.

Now, this is a guy who went to private schools with dress codes, who went right into a business career thanks to a “small loan of a million dollars.”  This is a guy who’s been wearing ties most days for his entire life.  And he still doesn’t know how to tie one.

Okay okay maybe he has people (read: wives) for that… and with that realization, a little movie plays in my head of Melania in the morning, pulling a half-buttoned shirt over his head while a pants-less Donald struggles and whines, “but I DON’T WANNA president today!”*

I know – that’s all speculation (except for the bit where Melania Trump lathers up her son every night, hey read the footnotes).  But what’s worse?  A “populist” president-elect who’s had people dressing him his entire life, or a president-elect who’s lived on this planet for seven decades, went to all the best schools, had all the opportunities anyone would ever want, and still doesn’t how to dress himself?

I dunno, maybe I’m splitting hairs.  I mean in the sense that they’re both equally horrible.

Anyway, there’s one other piece of Trump news I wanna cover.  (No, it’s not his SNL tantrum, but the thought of a president who’s that oblivious to irony is troubling.)  (And no, it’s not the diplomatic phone calls where he ass-kissed dictators and started a Twitter war with China.  I already wrote some speculation on that.**) Buzzfeed recently analyzed our celebutard-elect’s newslink tweets and found that, unsurprisingly… he’s consuming and regurgitating bullshit.

Oh but wait there’s more!

“What we know of Trump’s relationship to the modern internet suggests the president-elect rarely browses it himself. Trump campaign press secretary Hope Hicks told GQ he relies largely on Google News printouts from staffers and sparingly reads his own email. And a 2007 deposition suggests that Trump doesn’t use a computer or carry a smartphone during the daytime hours, and often dictates daytime tweets to his assistants.”

So not only is the celebutard-elect living in a disinformation bubble of his own making… he couldn’t even fact-check a story if he wanted to.

Here, let me show you the face you’re making right now:



I remember this conversation I had with my friend Christopher back in the summer of ‘04.  The GOP had just held their convention in NYC, capitalizing on 9/11 while at the same time showing its contempt for the victims.***  But both of us agreed – the despicable rhetoric was probably successful.  Unless the Democrats had a fairy godmother who was going to turn John Kerry into a real boy, Dubya was probably gonna win it (for real this time).

Looking down the barrel of four more years of This Bullshit, we fell silent.  Then Christopher said:

“I think we need to get our asses kicked.”

He wasn’t suggesting we start a fight club, he was talking about AmericaNamely, that maybe humanity would be better off if America was taken down a few pegs.  I mean, we didn’t know if it would take the form of an intervention, where the nations of the world would sit America down and take turns telling it how its addiction to fossil fuels and the military-industrial complex has hurt them personally… or if it would take the form of an economic / ecological collapse that would require the rest of the world to step in because America was hobbled.  (We were hoping for something like the former.)  And then the rest of world would get to the business of actually addressing climate change, economic and social inequity and institutional ignorance.

We didn’t talk much about a third scenario – where we’d just kick our own ass.

I’m gonna assume if you’re reading this, you’re not offended when I say Trump’s had many instances of Islamophobia, xenophobia, misogyny, and racism.****  But let’s just put that aside for a second.  After the racism, who are we left with?  Apparently, we’re left with a self-absorbed ninny who believes everything he reads on the internet and doesn’t know how to dress himself.

Matt Taibbi once wrote (I’m paraphrasing), if not for George W. Bush’s accident of birth, the highest position he’d ever hold is manager of a strip club.  If not for Donald Trump’s accident of birth? He’d be cleaning toilets at that strip club.  And he’d probably get fired for incompetence.

I’m having a hard time imagining an America that will hold its status in the world when we’ve put such a complete and utter nincompoop in charge.  Our only hope may be that the Republicans recognize that – and just go through Mike Pence for any real decisions.

Yeah, I know.  He’s no prize.  But being that he’s likely gonna to be the go-to guy of the Executive branch, maybe we ought to do our homework on him.

That’s next.



*Is it any wonder Melania’s staying in New York?  Well that, and she wants the familiar surroundings of home for Barron while she spreads her lotion all over him.  (No seriously.  That’s a real thing I’m talking about.) Anyway, it was soon after the “Trump getting dressed” movie played in my brain when I landed on my Freaky Friday theory.  I mean, look at that kid’s face!  That is the exact expression of a seventy-year old man who knows he’s going to hell and suddenly got a reset button on his life, but also realized he had to go through puberty again, with the icing on the cake being that his wife – now his mother – KEEPS SPREADING HER SELF-NAMED LOTION ALL OVER HIM.

Fuck you, I’m NOT reading into it.  THAT’S THE FACE YOU WOULD MAKE.




*** You know, New Yorkers.  Those multi-cultural, secular humanist gay liberals the Republicans love to demonize.  And I mean, that’s not even getting into the bit where they’ve routinely withheld healthcare to the first responders and construction workers who got sick inhaling the Twin Towers.  And here’s the face you make thinking about that:



****And if you ARE offended, well… let me put it this way: when Trump holds those rallies, he’s not bringing out America’s best.  He’s not bringing out you.  He’s bringing out people with lots of problems.  And they’re bringing those problems with them.  He’s bringing out Klansmen, he’s bringing out Nazis.  They’re racists.  And some, I assume, are good people.  Okay?  We good, snowflake?

Mocking Safe Spaces: Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

A little background:

A few weeks ago, I got invited into Pantsuit Nation on Facebook.  It started as a Hillary Clinton supporter group, but since the election, it’s become the kinda thing that’s come to be known as a “Safe Space.”

After being there for a few weeks and reading a bunch of posts, I just wanted to send a public message to any “politically incorrect” individual who thinks Safe Spaces are some kind of playpen for adults, filled with kittens and rainbows and unicorns where people pretend the world is cotton candy and everyone’s a special little liberal snowflake…

You have absolutely No. Fucking. Idea. What you’re talking about.

Safe Spaces exist to help people open up and share stories that they wouldn’t (or couldn’t) tell anywhere else.  They’re most associated with colleges because young people who’ve just moved away from their small, conservative hometowns may have never been able to talk openly about being LGBTQ.  Or a feminist.  Or a liberal.
Or a sex crime victim.

See, another word for Safe Space is “support group.”

So let me just clear something up: in a Safe Space…
…you will hear some harrowing shit.
…you hear some nightmare-inducing shit.
…you will get very angry at the motherfuckers who’ve marginalized and abused the participants.
…and you’ll be very goddamn thankful for your own sheltered existence.

Let me suggest – if you have even the slightest interest in our common humanity, that you find someone who will vouch you into a Safe Space. Then go, keep your fucking trap shut and just listen.

Just be prepared to hate yourself for ever, ever mocking the practice.

(oh and feel free to send this to any conservative friends who are being assholes right now)

An Open Letter To Millenials – from Generation X

Hi.  I know, it’s been a while.

We don’t talk much – maybe because we’re still using voicemail to reach you.  Or maybe it’s because of all those hit-pieces we’ve been writing about how you’re the worst generation ever.*  Sorry, those are all by Dave.

Dave got a Journalism degree back when a Journalism degree was supposed to lead to a legitimate career.  Now he’s struggling with car payments while competing with you for listicle space on Buzzfeed.  You’d think he’d understand that these days, all college degrees are about as useful as a 90’s BA in Journalism, but… well, he’s just so bitter.  We’re working on him, but you’re so much younger and prettier and you’ve got all these smartphone apps he doesn’t understand.


We should’ve had this handled.  We could’ve gotten together and started fixing things, so at least you’d be holding a lighter bag of shit (and maybe one that doesn’t have a “TRUMP” logo on it).  But we really, really dropped the ball.

I know, I know.  But look, you’ve gotta understand… we didn’t stand a chance.

When we were growing up, we had, like five TV channels – maybe seven if you were near a city.  Cable was for rich people.  But then – right when we were old enough to discover marijuana – the price of cable dropped and all of the sudden we’ve got 200 channels.  And somewhere, on one of those channels, at any time of day or night, there was some shit written back in the 60’s by some fellas who were totally high at the time.

We didn’t stand a chance!**

I mean, we actually thought Bill Clinton was gonna fix everything (no, really!) and fell asleep at the switch for the ’94 midterms, and next thing you know Newt fucking Gingrich was running the country.

But, BUT… all that TV we were watching (and memorizing all the songs from the Hamlet musical episode of Gilligan’s Island as if that was important), we did notice a few things.  We noticed that our government called the Rwandan genocide an “ethnic cleansing” so we wouldn’t have to do anything about it.  We noticed all these private prisons popping up, which the news said were “saving” all these unemployed small towns.  We thought that maaaaybe having a profit motive for incarceration would end badly, but the news never said that.   The news was busy consolidating itself into like, three different corporations.

And oh boy don’t get us started on “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”

Look.  We were just getting off the couch.  I swear.  But then they told us about this brand new thing called the World Wide Web…

We didn’t.  Stand.  A chance.

But enough about us.***

See, I think, unlike us, you do have a chance.  You’re the ones who grew up with all this technology that we had to adapt to while we were young and wasted.  You’ve been doing an end-run around commercial TV and music for your entire lives.  While that’s made TV awesome, it’s made things harder on writers and musicians.  But then, you’ve been showing writers and musicians a new way of Doing Things, where they can create a social media presence that allows them to interact directly with their fans and their wallets.

And what you did in this election HOLY SHIT DUDES YOU NEARLY GOT OUR DREAM CANDIDATE NOMINATED!*****  Also, I don’t hold the Berniebros against you.  At least they’re active.

Guys, OMG (is it okay for me to use “OMG?”  Am I dating myself?)… you have more information at your fingertips than any human being has ever had, anywhere, at any point in history.  And you know how to find it.  Seriously – I can do a Google search with people my age and still come off like a futuristic space wizard.  For you guys, it’s just second nature.  Anyone who tries to de-value that is just being an asshole.

Here’s the thing, though – I’m afraid you may be our last shot at this.  I mean, this whole civilization thing.  We’ve had a pretty good run, but those of us with children and grandchildren and 401K’s and mortgage payments are just gonna keep doing what we’ve been doing.  That means we’re never gonna understand what confirmation bias or social media bubbles or critical thinking is.  But you guys, you know better.  And in turn, you should demand better – and tell Dave to go fuck himself if he can’t get on board.

But let’s just all agree that the Star Wars prequels sucked, okay?



*Really?  Fucking really?  About a hundred years ago, a single generation failed to prevent World War I and set the stage for World War II.  But Millenials are the worst?  Are you fucking kidding me?

**But you did notice how pot’s becoming legal like, everywhere, right?  You’re welcome.

*** It is, after all, our favorite subject.****  Hey, there’s something else we have in common!

****Our second-favorite subject is playing Fuck-Marry-Kill with 60’s-70’s TV characters (Ginger, Mary Ann, Mrs. Howell, c’mon gimme a hard one).

*****Gen-Xers, just take a step back and inhabit your twenty year-old self.  Tell me “Socialist Grandpa” wasn’t your Platonic Ideal of a President.