Just one more day folks…
In all seriousness, I’m hoping for Donald to get crushed tomorrow. I don’t want him going around the country suing each state’s election board for the next few months. I want his loss to happen early on Tuesday night, and I want it to be undisputable. Then I’m hoping the same people who took away Donald’s Twitter privileges (Ivanka) will hand him a concession speech and make him say it to the cameras.*
Anyway. After the votes are counted, as this alcoholic hallucination of a campaign comes to a close, let’s thank Donald Trump for some things:
Let’s thank Donald for Ben Carson’s transformation from Magic Realism Candidate into the “Donald’s not a racist, he has a black friend” pundit.** So long, Ben Carson. You stopped being funny in March.
Let’s thank Donald for Rudy Giuliani’s horrifyingly comic transformation from New York’s Mean Stepdad to Dollar-Store Nosferatu. So long Rudy, you sentient colony of racist internet memes. You will not be missed.
Let’s thank Donald for Newt Gingrich’s transformation into – no wait, Newt’s always been the putty-faced chew-toy of Cerberus. Never mind.
Let’s thank Donald for being such a colossally awful candidate that he’s (probably) gonna make the First Woman President possible.
Lastly – let’s thank Donald for Kicking The Rock.
I’m talking about The Rock that all the anti-Semites and white supremacists and violent misogynists and Bible-thumping homophobes have been hiding under. Donald gave that rock a good swift kick and sent them all scuttling out into the sunlight, open to our collective scorn.
On November 9th, that’s where our work begins, friends. With them.
See, these sacks of whining hate-speech think they’ve been legitimized. The roughest beast to ever slouch towards D.C. has given them a rally-point. And with that rally-point, they expect a place in the national discussion. Hell, there’s even article after article saying how we should empathize with them.***
And you know, my inner teenager does empathize. He sees the charm in Donald as a useful tool – a blunt instrument to bash apart a corrupt system. Of course, my inner teenager is totally a Berniebro, while my adult self says, “NO. On the other side is Halfwit Mussolini, now is not the time.”
The people with legitimate gripes about a corrupt system? They deserve our attention. The people who are lifelong Republicans living in red states who cannot conceive of voting for a Democrat? They deserve our attention. We should be opening up a dialogue with reasonable people with differences of opinion who (believe it or not) aren’t racist but voted for Donald anyway.
Yes, I know the argument: voting for the candidate with the racist views makes you a racist. I’m not saying it’s meritless. I’m saying that “getting woke” is often a multi-step process. It was for me. There are plenty of redeemable Donald voters out there (I hope). But the irredeemable racists are gonna have to be dealt with. And I recommend scorn and humiliation.
Let’s shame them back into their holes, friends. I call upon all of you to troll these assholes.
Every clownish spooge-rag on Twitter going on about SJW’s and Men’s Rights needs to get called a limp-dicked fuck-trumpet.
Every dimwitted flag-humper denigrating Muslims on Facebook needs to be called a bigoted shit-nugget.
And every inbred chinless toerag calling himself superior to every other race and creed anywhere needs to be outted as a Nazi-loving scrotum-sack masquerading as a person everywhere.
Troll swiftly and righteously, my friends.
* Here’s a horrifying thought for you: the stability of our democracy may depend upon Ivanka Trump. You’re welcome.
** No, Omarosa and Katrina Pierson don’t count as Donald’s black friends, they’re women. Donald isn’t friends with women. Or anyone, really. But especially not women.
*** Okay not really. With the rare exception, most articles about “understanding Trump fans” draw the line at the racists.
(Infodump: I channeled my Scottish ancestry to come up with some of these insults. I’m listing them below – and adding new ones – for easy reference. Please feel free to copy and paste where applicable.)
- sentient colony of racist internet memes
- putty-faced chew-toy of Cerberus
- sack of whining hate-speech
- halfwit Mussolini
- clownish spooge-rag
- limp-dicked fuck-trumpet
- dimwitted flag-humper
- bigoted shit-nugget
- inbred chinless toerag
- Nazi-loving scrotum-sack masquerading as a person
- human dung-beetle rolling idiot conspiracies about
- gob-smackingly ignorant cockwrench
- addle-pated Breitbart catamite
- sub-deplorable frogfucker
- swastika-humping dundercunt
- reality-impaired scumgoblin